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We expect that people in certain professions will deal with human mortality on a regular basis—doctors
and health care professionals, hospice volunteers, clergy, etc. However, when you tell someone you’ve just met
that you work in fund development, their first thoughts of your job probably do not include images of
visiting donors in hospitals, or all too often attending donors’ funerals.
But for those in planned gift development who work with older individuals, dealing with people
who are nearing the end of their days is an inevitable part of our work. Unfortunately, we see many
donors become ill and pass away, and the longer we are in one position, the truer that becomes. We will
also be working with the spouses and other survivors of donors who have died.
How do you learn to handle the grief associated with the death of donors who have become your
friends? And what should you know about the grief that surviving loved ones may be feeling when their
loved one passes away?
Losing a friend
In the role of gift planner, becoming close to donors is a natural part of building relationships.
As you assist someone with planning what may be the final gifts of their lifetime, you likely learn some of
the most intimate details of donors’ lives—their financial situation, their family dynamics, their personal
dreams and aspirations, and their value system. Much like other advisors such as attorneys or trust
officers, gift planners build a high level of trust with donors.
In addition to becoming one of a donor’s trusted advisors, a gift planner may also form
long-lasting, deep friendships with the supporters of their organization or institution. A gift planner and
donor share something very important—a mutual interest in the goals and future success of a charitable
organization they believe in. When such a friend passes away, grief is only natural.
For Leslie Davidson, senior philanthropic advisor at St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital for
24 years, handling the grief that comes with her job is never easy because “you do get very close to
some donors.” But she has a few suggestions for fellow development officers when it comes to managing
grief.
“If you are aware that a donor is terminally ill, being able to have a final meeting with a donor can
help you cope with losing them,” Ms. Davidson says. “That way you have an opportunity to tell them
how much you care about them. It’s important to let them know how much we appreciate them while
they are still with us.
“I also manage my grief by sharing stories about the person I’ve lost with others. Relating stories
of the donor’s generosity helps me celebrate the memory of the friend I miss. I also like to send a tribute
card to the donor’s family.”
Interacting with those in mourning
While gift planners are dealing with their own grief when donors pass away, they will often
be called upon to work with the donors’ bereaved loved ones. The family members may be in one of
a number of stages of grief—disbelief, anger, acceptance, yearning, and depression are common. The
duration of each stage differs depending on the person.
When communicating with grieving loved ones, development professionals must be prepared
for a variety of behaviors, from uncharacteristic emotional outbursts to withdrawal or an unwillingness
to express any emotion. Being prepared for unexpected behaviors is crucial.
“A colleague and I had a visit scheduled with a donor whose husband had just passed away
a couple of months earlier,” Ms. Davidson says. “The donor called the day before the visit and very
gruffly told us not to come. She was very short with us, which was not like her at all. But we realized she
was in the anger phase of her grief, and she needed to vent. Later, when we talked with her, she
apologized, and said she had just needed some time alone.”
Ms. Davidson notes that it is important to recognize such cues and respect the family’s wishes.
“If they don’t want to see you or talk right then, send them a note,” she advises. “Just let them know
you care.”
Remember that when donors include a charity as part of their estate plans, donors are, in effect,
elevating the charitable interest to the status of family member. When donors pass on and their
gifts are realized, part of the role of the development officer can be to share their survivors’ natural
grief and help celebrate their loved one’s life through gratitude for their gifts and the ways in which
they have enriched the life of the charitable institution.
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